I think that this overstates the role of emotion, by neglecting the centrality that Dr. Rosenberg gives to focusing on needs, i.e., onconnection to the deepest values that motivate ourselves and others. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. In the example you offered, the inaccuracy could also have been exposed by sharing an observation such as "You didn't call me" without layering on judgment (pejorative speculation about others reasons) by saying "You couldn't be bothered to call me.". Global labels also make your partner feel helpless if the problem is rooted in their very identity/personality, changing will seem impossible to them. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Login. If you approached me with the Clean Talk expression, "I want to connect with you and then stopped talking, I might feel frustrated with you for beating around the bush, and putting the burden on me to figure out what you meant by that and to propose a way of addressing it. You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) CleanTalk protects your website from spam bots and spam in. These are portrayed as objective standards divorced from subjective experience, and are deeply associated with extrinsic reward and punishment, social approval and disapproval. NVC isnt a narrow tool that is just about communication; in some way, its more like developing a meditation practice. I imagine trying to express all such judgments as leading to an infinite regress, and I can't imagine how it could be viable to assert that it would be necessary or beneficial to express these. And one of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these warm, intimate relationships is communication. I feel grateful to have this issue be named, because I think that it is a factor that often gets in the way of the intended fruits of NVC being fully realized, often even among those who think themselves proficient at NVC. Free US Delivery | ISBN:1524916137. In actual NVC conversations with people who dont know NVC, saying I need in a way that is likely to trigger a sense of obligation in the listener would be the total antithesis of NVC it would amount to making a demand (and NVC is specifically designed to be about not making demands) in the guise of what superficially appears to be NVC. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. / Clean Talk suggests that a word ending in "ed" is subtly suggesting that something outside of us is doing something to us, and that therefore we are not taking full ownership of what we feel and perhaps even accusing someone of something harmful.. Its easier to associate with our own inner wisdom about what works for us. highlight potential weaknesses or limitations in NVC that I also have concerns about and/or where I find your perspective clarifying or intriguing; don't reflect NVC as I understand it, but rather reflect deficiencies in the way that NVC was presented to you (which does reflect ways others might also misunderstand/misapply NVC); offer things to think about and reflect on further; miss awareness of what NVC uniquely offers that is likely absent from Clean Talk. What is Clean Talk TM ? Dr. Rosenberg had a habit of sometimes saying things that were shockingly extreme, I think as a way of trying to jar people out of well-established mental ruts. NVC cautions that it's essential to empowerment and personal freedom to recognize that emotions don't only reflect what happens outside us, but also reflect the stories we have made up about what we've observed, associations we have with unhealed pain from the past, and our assessments of how what is happening is likely to meet or not meet our needs. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I agree that this is unduly limiting. Based on the story I made up, I judge that your conclusion sounds like a stretch, an example of using free association to try to force data to confirm your hypothesis of a problem. . Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. You quote Chapman Flack saying, "[Dr. Rosenberg's] advice never to hear thoughts . Theyre liable to answer: Im sorry, but this is the way I am! Thus, in using global labels you wash your hands of any responsibility for the problem, while at the same time, your partner will feel unable and unwilling to do anything about it eithernot a recipe for effective conflict resolution! . You talk about people being "uncomfortable using the word judgment and offer contexts in which it might be comfortable to use the word I am a little puzzled by why this subsection is there do you think that Rosenbergs position has something to do with being uncomfortable using the word judgment? I converse at the level of interpretations much of the time. All that NVC says is that, when trying to connect with another human being, there are often more fruitful things to focus on, in our speaking, and in our listening, than on the sort of thinking that many people habitually focus on. Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. Cha c sn phm trong gi hng. Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. It would be better to say, Ive been waiting here for 20 minutes. New Dawn Works is open Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun. One thing we want to mention is that more and more transactions switch to online and this is where we can help you in bad IP-addresses detection. Do you think you could make more of an effort to be on time?. I am an NVC trainer. Note to self: Think more about what practices related to sharing interpretations I think would complement NVC, and how these might relate to the core practice. (NVC, p.151) and". clean talk communication. Especially when it comes to communicating with women, you would be surprised how a cutting tone of voice can make them feel almost physically hurt. You continue, "Anger is a signal that a boundary has been crossed. It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. When Im left waiting I end up feeling frustrated and disrespected. There is a profound mental shift that needs to be practiced in order to achieve an inner paradigm shift. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. Note to self: Consider seeking more understanding around this point, to support assessing whether this is something I feel would add useful clarity. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know It is presumed that it is necessary to motivate people extrinsically, and that it makes sense to coerce people to do things that they dont intrinsically want to do. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. NVC has some practices, related to connecting to needs that can sometimes release people from these traps. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. The 10 Commandments of Clean Communication 1. By way of evidence that NVC's approach to anger can lead to profound transformations, I'd like to mention a domestic violence intervention programthat is based on Nonviolent Communication achieved a zero-percent recidivism rate (after 5 years) among convicted batterers, where the best conventional intervention program for this demographic is said to lead to around 40 percent recidivism. For, example, if were paraphrasing in response to something someone has expressed (usually something more substantial than just no), we might say, Could I check to see if Im getting what youre saying? How is New Dawn Works rated? Do you really think thats a good idea?. In so doing, MFP write, your partner can hear what youre feeling without being overwhelmed or bludgeoned by it. Here are some examples: Even more than what we say, our body language conveys how were actually feeling. My take on your comparison is that the issues you point to, variously: It all seems valuable to me to engage with. There is, of course, a danger that someone may not transform their anger, yet misinterpret NVC to mean they should pretend they're not angry, and this may lead to some of the sort of negative consequences you're concerned about. You offer "There's something I'd like to talk to you about. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. UK Cleaning Forum - CleanTalk. I think his talk of never hearing thoughts was meant as a wake-up-call to people "lost in their heads" who might believe they can rely purely on reason to navigate through conflict, without opening themselves to feelings, compassion, and empathic understanding. We might then name I feel angry but in a way that energetically does not dump our anger onto the other person, because we trust that the anger doesnt represent our deepest truth. CleanTalk Awards. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. Im open to feedback on the content of anything that I say, or on the way I express myself, and Ill be curious about how any of this is for you to receive. Please feel free to discard whatever is not useful to you. Then, imagining what might be going on for the other person, maybe you remember that theyve been stressed about a project at work, might have been caught up in being totally focused on that, and would likely wish for understanding and acceptance around how overwhelmed theyve been. Rosenberg also gives strong advice on the importance of being able to interrupt someone if they speak for longer than you enjoy. If it's a spam bot, then CleanTalk blocks this comment or registering. By choosing "Accept", you agree to the storage of all types of cookies used on the site. NVC, as a model, has evolved over a period of 40-50 years. I'm not aware that Rosenberg talked about this distinction, about different contexts, different types of Talk, but it's something he seemed to intuitively know. That said, I see some advantages to the way Clean Talk seems to frame this. You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. My sense is that NVC offers both means and encouragement to "acknowledge work well done or to offer blessing or support, and that doing these things is strongly encouraged in the NVC community. If you get contact email spam, comment, registration or other spam messages, it's time to add spam protection to your website. You say that the Magician is the "head" or "mind" part of us, and share some quotes in which Marshall says". Cleantech Communication supports clients in realizing brand value. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. Thats how I apply NVC, with regard to interpretations and moralistic judgments. 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